THE GIFTS OF MY SOUL

The other day I posted a photo of myself from sometime in the '80s just for a lark. It was clicked from a hard copy which by itself didn't look all that interesting. Or maybe I just didn't find it so because it had a painful history attached to it. Whatever. So, it came to me as a big surprise when responses to it were almost immediate. My friends' list is a very short one (147 people only) so when half of that list responded, I was amused.  This picture has a fierce history.  Let me share.

This photograph is reminiscent of an extremely scary and bad phase in my life which was filled with fear, drama, and violence that left me badly shaken for many years after that.

Reading all the comments (they were all so lovely) attached to the photo gave me a renewed perspective about life, about people, and myself and reminded me of the gifts I received in my Soul as a result of that rocky phase. I had tapped into raw, unadulterated, pure, Courage I didn't even know existed within me. Wisdom showed up every time I was challenged with a new problem that felt very unsolvable at that time. She was impeccable in Her guidance. Though I had beautiful friends, in essence, I was alone. I had never been alone before. I had no family. I lived alone in Delhi. 

But, here's the deal: I WAS FREE!!! 

The price for freedom: PRICELESS

Inherently all humans are innocent. They wish to remember the goodness of life, of people, and of the world. People are basically kind. They love beautiful memories. They want to remember only that which has brought joy to their soul. Most of the time most people are that way on their good days. This is how we generally relate to life. Imagination is a divine gift. When you share a throwback picture of yourself, the folks who remember you from back in the day, remember only the good stuff. The ones who don't have fond memories of you are conspicuous by their silence. Those who didn't know you then (your friends now in the present), wonder what you were like back then as a person and they invariably have some lovely compliments to share. What a diverse range of feelings and so rich for the human experience.

The mystery of life is very fascinating. We have the ability to adapt to any and every situation when push comes to shove. We can easily become stars of our own lives all the time, but for some strange reason, we put our stardom on hold till a crisis hits us. Then we shine.  I wonder why we postpone living gloriously permanently?

To everything, there is a yin and yang. This soul story is no different. It has its yin as well. There is a time in one's life when everything is questioned. You are pulled back into your energy and forced to deal with stuff that you kept hidden in the furthest recesses of your mind. Stuff happens as a result of earlier times, like childhood, etc. All of these early years take their toll on your emotional life and they manifest in your life experiences. Till they are dealt with, they lie in your DNA waiting to be healed and released. Mine was the inner violence I was inflicting on myself through rage and anger I held within because of those early years. I held on to my vices like an armor, a shield of protection. Confusion, conflict, shame, and guilt were like permanent backdrops. I had to process them all. It's a life long job and ever so often new information shows up out of the blue like synchronicity to guide me along my healing journey. I received wisdom, clarity, and understanding for the above just like everything else in my life.

One day while reading "The Book of Life" by Jiddu Krishnamurthi,  I suddenly got what the conflict in my mind was about. It was about me trying to be peaceful, and the effort it took me was humungous. That was one aspect of it, but the other aspect was I failed most of the times. Jiddu's talk on violence gave me a full-on insight into this strong, dark emotion. It goes like this:

"Now, when you are actually violent and you have an ideal of nonviolence,  you have a conflict.

 You are always trying to become nonviolent  - which is a part of the conflict. You discipline yourself in order not to be violent  - which again, is a conflict, friction.  So when you are violent and have the ideal of nonviolence, you are essentially violent.

To REALIZE you are violent is the first thing to do  - not try to become nonviolent.

To see violence as it is,

not try to translate it,

not to discipline it,

not to overcome it,

not to suppress it, 

but to see it as though you are seeing it for the first time  - that is to look at it without any thought.

….. To look at it without any movement of thought is to look at it as though you are looking at it for the first time, and therefore looking at it with INNOCENCE."

This is wonderful. This is the most direct way of looking at yourself - without shame, fear, pain, guilt. And as you do this often enough, you will begin to see your innocence, your inner essence in its purity which will show up in flashes till you completely wash yourself clean with your own Spirit.

This is total, unconditional, radical acceptance of what IS in order to heal completely till you reach that place of Innocence that we generally find present in Mystics and Masters of Life. 

Life experiences are fodder for Soul Growth.

In  Peace, Love, Gratitude & Everything In Between,
Lavina Olive Jain